Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Petit à petit l'oiseau ne dort pas dehors.

Preview photo from upcoming photography post: Chasing Sky Lights

When you get everything you want, all at the same time, it can be a dream and a nightmare all rolled into the same package. The saying goes that there is a time for everything and indeed there is, since we expect to get everything we want eventually. Things come to us when we try hard enough to get them, but like most pessimists, I tend to try several things at the same time, all of which I desperately want; expecting that neither of them is very likely to give, but at least one might! It gets really complicated when all endeavours, unexpectedly give at the same exact time. One is suddenly and anxiously juggling everything at once - which to say the least - isn’t handling it very well at all. There is such a time when one gets in over one’s head, battles to seem to have everything under control on the outside, while hoping everything will eventually fall into place once one gets the hang of it! It’s not a very good plan, but it sometimes works if one’s body decides to cooperate! It is a plan which always seemed to work for me. Until now, it did anyway.

Anxiety can be the stage upon which our bodies wage a fierce battle against our insatiable brains. While we ravel with glee at getting the things we want, things which we always knew we could handle, things which we are bound to get anyway; we forget that it is alright to wait. We can wait for a time when we can really handle things properly, and confidently. In our haste to proceed and prove that we are strong and capable, refusing to consider that we can wait for a better time, we often stubbornly take on too much. We attempt to juggle – and we do successfully for a time, until we falter as we surely must, and an all important piece comes crashing down like the headdress of the beautiful princess in a monenkim dance routine!

It can be frustrating when one’s body just refuses to go along with the plan, like a work-horse which decides to stay put and refuses to move another step. It is as disappointing as the partner who will not do his/her part – a most vital part of the very machine that works the plan. A plan that was wrought with deep troughs which I tried to overlook. A plan with high walls which knowing I’d jumped them before, I was certain I could scale them again. All I had to do was to build up the pace and keep it moving, while ignoring the throbbing in my head, the ringing in my ears, the constant racing of my heart, the twitching at my finger-tips and the proximity to which my anxiety was getting to hysteric levels - all the while - telling myself that I could do it simply because it had been done before and I clearly have what it takes.

For a person who tries to pay attention to healthy choices, I had been totally oblivious to the effects of stress and anxiety on my health. My tendency to over-analyse and worry about everything, puts my stress and anxiety level at a significantly high point. The overwhelming confusion that comes out of taking on ill-timed responsibility is immensely stressful. I’d been focused on too many goals and when they all landed on my lap at the same time, I carried on like I normally would, ignoring the aching, throbbing and twitching stress signals – until it all came crashing down. I got a major sign that said “calme toi, and progressed into a mild complication. A reminder that my plate is already fully loaded now and I can have more only later. It is not always just about what we want and the sacrifices we make to get/keep what we want that make our lives successful and fulfilling. Sometimes, it isn’t up to just making a decision and winging it. Sometimes we take on tasks that we think we are equipped to handle, though it is often just the wrong time. It is easy to overestimate what we are capable of handling, getting overwhelmed and not realising it until our bodies subtly – yet unmistakably – remind us by shutting down the plan.

Dealing with feelings of unattained self-expectations torment me further, but with support from family, I'm trying to stay in the moment where I'm doing a good job, my balance is perfect and my health is no longer in jeopardy. There will be times when I will see or meet someone who is juggling all the things I want, and doing it all seemingly well. Of course there are people like that, but I'm not like them right now. Maybe when the time is right I'll still be able to have it all at once and overwhelmingly so, without breaking a sweat! For now, there are enough challenges and all I can do is to reaffirm my bearings like a lone bird in a deserted sky which finds it's way home little by little at the close of a storm.

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